I recently read an article about how photos of Miley Cyrus (a.k.a. Hannah Montana) have surfaced and gained a lot of attention. You may recall not too long ago how Miley’s photos — one in particular — caused a stir in the magazine Vanity Fair. Now another batch of photos have come to light, but these are of her own doing.

They were found on her alleged MySpace profile. Whether or not it was her account, it makes no difference. These photos are Miley Cyrus. This troubles me in a couple of ways.

First, why do kids feel so compelled to do these sorts of things? My answer is that it’s a lack of parenting in a strong way. Parents are more inclined to be their kid’s friend than to tell them “no” to something.

I suppose if it weren’t photos, then it would have been something else. I mean, certainly kids over the centuries have made bad choices, but to do something like posing provocatively in photos that the whole world can see?

Second, this tarnishes her image even more causing her to be taken down a few notches in the role model department. This is the one that troubles me most because she’s sending a message that it’s okay to pose in a sexual manner and post it for everyone to see. How many more kids will post their photos in the coming weeks simply because they saw Miley do it?

One might say that the photos aren’t that bad. By themselves, that may be the case, however, what will they lead up to? What are your thoughts?

1. Take the computer out of the kid’s room. What I find particularly frightening is that parents tend to do things that make them popular with their kids, not necessarily what’s safe for them. It’s almost like they’re trying to be their friend more than their parent. For example, they buy their kid a laptop or desktop and take no steps to set ground rules or follow up on agreements to not visit inappropriate websites.

Computers are a necessity in the world we live in, so not giving them a computer I think is too extreme in most cases. However, you can have them use it in an open area of your home. “But mom, I feel like you’re not giving me any privacy!” is what they’ll say, to which you reply, “When it comes to how you use the computer, you’re right. Take it or leave it and by the way, I love you.”

Harsh? Well, that depends on how soft a parent has been, so there may be a bumpy transition. But ultimately, a parent who cares about their children will no doubt want to know where they go outside of the home. Going online is no different.

2. Install a web filter. Tons of choices exists. Some good, some not so good, so you should spend a little time reviewing what others have said and decide which one is best for you. (I’ll be posting more about some choices you might consider later.)

3. Explain to your child what’s acceptable and what’s not. It’s not enough to tell them “Don’t go anywhere online that’s not good.” That leaves the door wide open for interpretation. What’s good? Social networks like MySpace for example, can be a good thing, but if used inappropriately, then trouble can happen. Sites of girls posing in bikinis may seem harmless, but could ultimately lead to other sites that are more provocative and then can lead to porn. Gambling sites are another danger zone.

4. Set timing restrictions. It’s one thing if a kid is online doing homework for hours. It’s an entirely different thing if they’re just online for hours aimlessly browsing. Personally, I’m guilty of this one as I do go online a lot keeping up my various blogs. Even so, I should still make time to be offline with the living and get some exercise. So even if a kid is online doing nothing harmless, it’s still a good thing, both mentally and physically, to have some time not hooked up to the web.

These are some of the main points that parents tend to overlook when it comes to their children being online. By no means is it conclusive, but starting with these can provide the foundation for safer and more beneficial web experience. Kids are naturally curious and that’s good, but if left to their own devices — without parental supervision — then that curiosity can lead them in the wrong direction.

I asked John to participate in my first interview here on Family WebWatch and he graciously accepted. In fact, he has so much insightful information, I wanted to break it up into a series of posts this week. So here is the first installment of three.

FWW: John, tell us a little about yourself please.

John: I started working at Blue Coat in early 2004, after spending several years at a tiny startup. Prior to that, I worked at Nokia in their Silicon Valley unit. I was responsible for the Nokia/Check Point secure firewall appliance product – very popular with IT organizations around the world because it was secure, reliable, and very easy to use. As the product architect, I placed the “user experience” at the top of the priority list. Without a good user experience, your product doesn’t get used. And “user experience” is much broader than “user interface” – it’s about the behavior of the product throughout its lifecycle, and is revealed in the simple question: “Do you like this product?” We’ve tried to bring the same discipline to our work on K9 Web Protection.

FWW: Over the years, kids have always shown an affinity toward technology especially if it makes them cool in the eyes of their friends, or allows them to express themselves and interact with others. With so much technology surrounding us today, what do you see as the greatest challenge to parents? Is technology to blame? Parent involvement? A little of both?

John: It would be easy to blame parents. We’re all too busy to really connect deeply with our kids, and co-experience the world with them, at the level we “should”. But that’s not a helpful perspective, because so much across our culture interferes with that connection. Technology is one very large element, along with aggressive, in-your-face media, companies who are “marketing” to kids, and a general dissolution of “community” in our cities, towns, and neighborhoods. Sounds like I’m painting with a very broad brush, but as I’ve looked at the roots of our challenges in this area over the past two years, I’m increasingly convinced that it’s not a simple (or short-term) problem with a simple fix.

Alvin Toeffler, in his 1970 book “Future Shock”, wrote about the impact of rapidly evolving technology on society and culture. Toffler defined future shock as “too much change in too short a period of time”. So, without question, the rate of change is the biggest challenge for parents. How do we provide enlightened guidance to our kids when they’re living in a different universe than we are? It’s not even that they’re childhood is different from ours. Their TODAY is different from ours. That’s how fast change is bearing down on us.

Interestingly, humans are the species that is most adaptable to change – we’re supposed to be good at this kind of thing. And in fact, we are, overall. It’s just hard to be a parent in the middle of it!

FWW: In the wake of successful sites like MySpace, Facebook, and the like, online social communities seem to be popping up every day. We sometimes hear in the media where these types of communities played some role in what ended up as a tragic event in some young person’s life. In general, do you think online communities are doing enough to protect their members?

John: No, I don’t. And in some cases, they’re reducing the protections in the interests of increasing market share. You know, whenever we expect an organization (of any kind) to “self-regulate”, we have to look at whether there is an inherent conflict of interest in the regulations we’re asking them to apply. If your business is selling cigarettes, for example, how effective are you going to be in setting up limits and controls to a) not create demand for cigarettes, and b) not sell them? Laughable, if it weren’t tragic, right?

The same goes for social networking sites. If you’re in the business of making social connections as dynamic and frictionless as possible, how effective are you going to be in creating friction that slows the process down, or creating roadblocks that prevent that dynamism? Can we honestly blame these players for “not doing enough”? On their own, without a sensible social policy backed by legislatively-imposed regulation, they’re bound to fail us.

So they’re not doing “enough”, but then, I think it’s naïve of us to expect them to, on their own.

FWW: Could you give us examples of sites that you think are doing a good job at making their environment safe and educational for kids?

John: I’ve had the opportunity to watch the evolution of Children’s Way. I’m fascinated by this company’s model. They combine the best intentions of child online safety, a lesson in Civics, and education on proper Internet use with a fun online environment for kids. Kind of like “Club Penguin”, but with a higher social purpose. The kids enjoy it, and learn a bunch along the way. But perhaps the most important aspect of the Children’s Way initiative is that it incentivizes kids to grab Mom or Dad by the hand, and sit with them to do certain exercises. Kind of like earning a merit badge, the kid gets credit when Mom or Dad learns something that makes him/her a better “Internet Parent”.

As I look at the challenges we face as parents, this model is really fundamentally correct. The only way to get the parents to be educated enough to be helpfully involved is to have the kids drag them, kicking and screaming. Children’s Way is a great model for making that happen.

Children’s Way is for younger kids, and teaches “online citizenship” to both kids and parents in the context of play and challenge, which is why I think it works so much better than so many other “child-safe” sites.

FWW: What do you see as the biggest threat to families today when it comes to their online activities?

John: Broadly speaking, it’s the lack of knowledge; lack of knowledge of the kind of content, experiences, and dangers that are out there. We are seduced by the simplicity, (false) intimacy, and dynamism of the online experience. And it seems so friendly, fun, and harmless. Sheesh! Nothing could be further from the truth. Internet behavior is PUBLIC behavior. If we really understood that EVERYTHING we do online is done IN PUBLIC, I think our behaviors would change; pretty dramatically in many cases.

FWW: Overall, do you think parents are getting involved enough with their children and the way they spend time on the Web?

John: No, I don’t. But again, when you look at the realities of the culture we’re living in, it’s hardly surprising, and barely remediable. As I said, we’re living in different worlds. And that’s why I like the premise behind Children’s Way so much: for the kids to make progress, the parents have to be involved.

This concludes the first of three installments with John Carosella. Tune-in later this week when he discusses his viewpoint on a topic every parent should be sensitive to: cyberbullying.

[tags]interview,blue coat,k9 web protection,web safety,family,parenting[/tags]

It turns out that my recent post about online coloring pages caught the eye of Charlene, someone who specializes in that category. Printables For Kids says it all, but if I left it at that, this would be too short of a post. This blog is a collection of things meant for downloading and printing for when your kid has those “I’m bored” moments. From word searches to coloring, there’s bound to be something here that your kid will enjoy. A great summertime activity resource!

Yes! I found another blog about Internet safety. We are the few, the proud! Typer Tappers deals with that topic and more, like technology and website design, for example. Check it out for a few tips.

And finally, there’s Organized Home. This resource has so many things a family can do to: de-clutter the home, organize the morning so that it runs smoothly, getting kids to do their chores, and more. If you’re the tangible type, you’ll love the gallery of printable documents designed to organize your day. You’ll find printable calendars, docs for meals and menus, family and school items. The list goes on and on. Be sure to visit!

Do you have a site or blog that you’d like to suggest to be placed in the spotlight? What I look for are things that increase productivity, promote education, family activities and entertainment, and whatever strikes me as useful. Drop me a comment and let me know what you’d like to see on my next edition.

[tags]spotlight,reviews,links[/tags]

That got me to thinking about how my kids may see me. They’re always asking me to have time on the computer. They either play some games on it or even worse, watch TV on it. It just becomes another mindless way of spending time.

I think in moderation that time on the computer and especially on the Web is a good thing. It’s a skill that I think everyone should learn, but if taken too much, it’s likely to do harm more than do good.

So just a reminder that as the kids are out of school, take some time to read with them, walk, play catch — something to create a memory that’s not about sitting at the computer. And even sharing some computer time with them is a good thing. At least you’ll be doing it together.

As the name implies, Parenting Teens is an informative web site to be the place parents turn to for help with their teens. The site provides a collection of articles that cover numerous topics related to teen issues: drugs, divorce, sex, relationships, education, behavior modification schools, and health.

This collection of articles is written by parents with teens of their own. That’s precisely why I believe you’ll find words of encouragement, different approaches to issues being experienced by other parents, and the realization that you and your teen are not alone.

Has your child become the center of attention for a bully? How about depression? Does your child suffer from an eating disorder? You’ll find information about these issues and lots more on their site.

A forum is provided as well to post, read, and exchange tips and information. Admittedly, it’s not what I would call stocked with information, but then again, forums are indeed difficult engines to get started. It will grow over time with the proper care and attention.

It is important to note that no claim of medical or therapeutic advice is given. However, they are willing and able to direct you to their site’s sponsor for these and other issues.

This has been a sponsored review.

[tags]parenting,teens,behavior[/tags]

This has been a great experience for me — and hopefully my visitors — to see the different opinions about this online community where kids interact with other “penguins” all over the world. The interaction confirms the behavior I’ve seen in both types of people. The kids are web-savvy and, for the most part, love the place and are hard-pressed to find anything unsafe about it. Some parents (not all), on the other hand, showed some reluctance to it citing safety concerns.

The thing to remember about the CP community or any online hangout is that you should never let your guard down, both parent and child alike. A kid’s nature is to find out what’s going on. Parents are trying to protect their children, as they should, but can sometimes avoid learning about something before making a final decision on it for fear of embarrassing themselves for not understanding what’s going on.

I confess that, at first, I was that way too. I didn’t think I wanted my kids playing around with other strangers because you just never know who was on the other side of the monitor. But you parents know how it goes: “But daddy, pleeeeaase?” Not that their pleas caused me to cave in, rather it reminded me that given my interest in all things Web, I should keep an open mind about it and then decide on what to do next.

I first read the policy on their site which is very informative and sensitive to parental concerns. I then created my own profile to see what it was all about, in addition to watching my children. I would encourage you parents to do the same as it’s really the only way to figure out what’s going on. It may not be as bad as it seems.

I should point out that I’m not being compensated in any way by the good people of CP. This is just my honest opinion based on my own research.

So if you haven’t already, take a look at the comments that have been made on the post. And then waddle on over to Club Penguin and see for yourself whether you should allow your kids a little playtime there.

[tags]club penguin, online community, internet safety[/tags]

Excuse me? These parents are too embarrassed to admit they failed to supervise their own children and left them to roam around in a “virtual mall” where other teens and sexual predators hangout, and they’re upset at MySpace? Gimme a break!

Sure, there’s an abundance of trashy content on MySpace, and I do feel like they could do more to remove it, but to publicly announce that they — not their kids nor themselves — are responsible for what happened to these kids is absurd.

Each time someone goes to court to blame someone else for their own actions (or inactions), it sends a message that says, “I made a bad decision, but I want somebody else to take the blame.” We see or hear about it all the time in the news. Somebody uses a product incorrectly, gets injured because of it and gets millions for it. Or an old lady spills hot coffee in her lap while driving away from the fast food place, sues the fast food place and is set for life financially.

What happened to accountability? What happened to “I messed up, but now that I’ve learned from my mistake, I won’t be doing that again.”?

Here’s my theory. Parents today are too busy trying to be friends with their kids instead of parents. The “Ward and June Cleaver” method of parenting has almost become extinct. Yes, things have changed since the black-and-white TV world of Leave it to Beaver. There’s lots more to do, more technology and so on, but that shouldn’t excuse us from being good parents.

With so many people suing over every little thing and winning, where’s the motivation to do the right thing any more? It has become so much easier to cry foul and get paid for it, than to have justice served.

You could almost say that there’s fame in shame, but if these people had any shame at all, they’d tuck their tails between their legs and start working on becoming better people, better parents, and setting the example for their kids, who will in turn set the example for their kids.

[tags]MySpace, sexual abuse, sexual predators, parenting[/tags]

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Step 1 – Don’t set restrictions on what sites your child can and cannot visit.

Yep, the sky’s the limit! Whatever site they can get their hands on will contribute to shaping their minds leaving less work for you. There are what, a gazillion web pages out there? How are you supposed to keep track of them all anyway?

There are plenty of sites out there that will do the parenting for you — they won’t exactly claim that they’re in the surrogate parent business, mind you, but they’re out there and are eager to help. So act now, by…well, not acting.

Oh, and who among us parents doesn’t dread the awful “birds and the bees” talk? No worries! There’s plenty of free online porn for the taking. And it’s so easy to find help, too. By letting them exchange ideas and photos with “12-year-old Pat” (who is really a 50-year-old man) they could soon teach you things you never even thought about. Just think of the time you’ll save!

Step 2 – Keep your superpower a secret.

Everyone has some sort of special talent. Some are capable of saying no to that second helping of pie. For others, their superpower is being able to program TiVo. Ah, but there are a great many like yourself who can render a computer to a smoking pile of ashes with but a mere look.

You didn’t ask for this power. You don’t even remember how it manifested. But you struggle with it everyday knowing that if you ever got into your kid’s computer that you’d be the equivalent of a bull in a china shop. Besides, you’ve put a lot of money into their computer because it held the promise of lofty grades and even loftier salaries after they graduate. Why go mess things up by learning something about it? No, no — don’t divulge your secret lest you be captured and studied.

Step 3 – Let your kid have their own unsupervised blog.

Blogs have been so popular over the years and there are no signs of it slowing down. Give in to their freedom of expression by allowing them to tell all their visitors how old they are, what their cell number is, their likes and dislikes, maybe they’ll even share where they’ll be next weekend so they can meet the people they’ve been chatting with online in person instead.

And don’t forget the digital camera or web cam! Why limit themselves to just words when they can practice their provocative (or even explicit!) poses for anyone willing to review their work? There’s a built-in audience for such willing and able kids who could help them with their “creativity”, so there’s no threat of their efforts going unnoticed.

Step 4 – Remember that you should never interfere with their privacy.

Much to their dismay, scientists have yet to discover the exact moment when a kid’s privacy becomes impenetrable. With eyewitness reports saying it’s a gradual process, and others reporting it happens overnight, one wonders why science hasn’t stopped such fruitless searching altogether. But that’s okay, because if it was known, then it might dislodge some bad web parents out of their “ignorance-is-bliss” state of mind. So fear not — their loss is your gain!

Traditional thinking once held that preserving a kid’s safety was more important than their privacy. But the “don’t ask, don’t have to worry” method of parenting seems to be gaining favor among parents who just don’t have the time.

Here’s a story that may be the boost you were looking for. A mother in Frisco, Texas announced that her 13-year-old daughter ran off with a 48-year-old man she met on MySpace (whom she thought was 16-years-old at the beginning of their online relationship). “I haven’t heard from her in over six months,” she said. “It would have been nice if she left a note or something before she was taken — I mean, before she left. But at least I’m comforted by knowing that I never once asked anything about her private life. I’m a parent and it just didn’t seem right to go meddling in her private life.” The daughter was not available for comment.

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Okay, switching back to reality now. If you love your kid enough to protect them from strangers on the street, then you must love them enough to protect them from the strangers they’d meet online.

[tags]parenting, parent, family, internet safety[/tags]

It has been all over the media, but in case you hadn’t heard, it was reported last week that Mr. Foley of Florida was sending inappropriate and sexually explicit emails and instant messages to pages — under-age pages.

I can’t even imagine what must have gone through the minds of these kids. To have received a message from a superior — one who was responsible for helping to run our government — that was sexually suggestive must have been like a slap in the face. Foley wrote to one page that he would like to remove their clothing. Another message encouraged them to get comfortable by lounging around in their boxers.

“What do I do?” must have run across their minds. “Do I play along because if I don’t I could lose my job.” No kid should be making such decisions, and no adult should be putting them in that situation to begin with.

It’s truly sad that one could be troubled enough to delve into such acts — and with a child no less! But when you look at the heart of the matter, all this should remind us that the image of the dirty old man isn’t so dirty on the outside anymore. He’s not the one wearing the trenchcoat behind the bushes waiting to flash passersby. He’s the one in the suit, and he has money and power. He’s in our government, our schools, even our families. And he’s using a method of communication that often times gets overlooked by parents.

Parents should keep an eye on their kid’s cell phone bill to learn of how much they’re using instant messaging or texting. Some might say that asking to see their buddy list or what has been sent and received is an invasion of privacy. I say that you’re the parent and therefore responsible for the safety and well-being of your child. So you have the right to see whatever it is they do to ensure that they’re safe and that you’re doing your job. I hated hearing this as a kid, but now I see the wisdom of, “My house, my rules.”

Summary

• Kids are very much in tune with the latest in technology. Parents need to be as well.
• Keep in mind that these messages are being logged on some server hosted by your telecommunications provider. So if you or your child does get a disturbing message, you have some evidence to refer to. (Some of the messages Foley sent go back to 2003, and they’re just now coming to the surface.)
• Encourage your child (the earlier the better!) to come to you whenever something like this occurs. And if they do tell you, be sure they know that you know it’s not their fault.